A pretend video blog involving the BSP 'cast'.
by Krieger @ BSP MUSH
Wrote this in the spirit of the video blogs from BSG. Enjoy. :)
The Battlestar Pacifica logo FADES IN, with a SUPER fading in overlaid: ‘DOWNTIME AFTER SAGITTARON.’
INT. SICKBAY SET
ALAN TUDYK lays in one of the medical beds, having his facial-injury prosthetics touched up. SHANNYN SOSSAMON is seated on the next bed over, watching with amusement. (SUPER: ALAN TUDYK, ‘G. SGT. DRACO PRIAM’) (SUPER: SHANNYN SOSSAMON, ‘INEZ AGELIKI’)
It’s takes a lot of man-hours to make me look this pretty. The, um, the makeup people were actually on-set during the torture scene, taking notes. S’like, ‘okay, swollen eye, burn marks, ah shit, he’s gonna have to have finger makeup for the rest of the show now…’
You loved every bloody minute of it.
Now, wait a minute… well yeah, you’re right. Getting manhandled by Lucy Lawless is something I can cross off my list of things to do before I die.
Next up: cliff diving.
INT. SOUNDSTAGE ‘ VIPER GREENSCREEN
RUPERT PENRY-JONES and DOMINIQUE CHRIQUI are perched on the wing of the Viper mockup. (SUPER: RUPERT PENRY-JONES, ‘LT. NEVILE ‘TENDERLOIN’ REINHART’) (SUPER: DOMINIQUE CHRIQUI, ‘LT. NILE ‘BOURBON’ ALAHAZETH’)
I think we actually had to draw straws to see who’d go next every time. We’d shoot all of my bits in the Viper and then swap out to shoot the next bloke, and the next, and the next…
I mean I guess they could just build us all each one of these, but we’d have Bonnie Hammer up our asses about the budget…
I’m still waiting on them to install the bar in this thing. Hello? I don’t think she’s called Bourbon ‘cause she’s strictly a lemonade girl.
Mark-Paul’s really gunning for that too. F***ing lush, he is.
INT. PAX CORRIDOR SET
MARK-PAUL GOSSELAAR stands in the hallway as the lighting crew mills about. (SUPER: MARK-PAUL GOSSELAAR, ‘CAPT. JEFFREY ‘JACKKNIFE’ KRIEGER’)
I don’t drink. Unless it’s put in front of me. Or if I smell it. Okay, okay, I drink. A lot. Dominique’s not the only one wanting the wet bar in the Viper. I mean, hell I figure Faraday’s gonna eventually do an episode set in a bar where I don’t end up in a bar brawl. F***ing hope so anyway.
INT. FARADAY’S OFFICE
FARADAY sits in her office, feet up on the desk. (SUPER: FARADAY, EXECUTIVE PRODUCER)
No, we’re gonna do more bar scenes. More bar fights. Bar fights equal ratings.
Mark-Paul seemed a bit… like there’ve been too many.
Oh, f*** him, he loves ‘em. LOVES ‘em. I’m gonna do a spinoff show called ‘Jackknife’s Pub Crawl,’ each episode Jackknife goes to a new bar and gets the shit beat out of him. I smell Emmy.
INT. SOUNDSTAGE ‘ RAPTOR MOCKUP
ANNA PAQUIN watches as the prop crew clean up the fake blood from the Raptor deck. (SUPER: ANNA PAQUIN, ‘LT. RAE ‘GIGGLES’ SUNHILDE’)
So right now they’re cleaning up… um, somebody’s blood out of the Raptor. I can’t tell you who in case you’re watching this and haven’t seen the episode yet.
I can tell you he died really cool.
Or she. Shh. Spoilers.
(to the prop crew)
Are you saving any of that? I wanna sundae.
(looks back to camera, grins)
INT. ‘ C.I.C. SET
JANE SEYMOUR and PAUL BETTANY are seated in director’s chairs. (SUPER: JANE SEYMOUR, ‘CDR. LYDIA STARR’) (SUPER: PAUL BETTANY, ‘COL. MONTY VOUGHT’)
So it basically amounts to all the… the damn kids having all the fun.
Figured they’d stick me back in a Viper eventually. Kinda miss it.
Been what, thirty years?
God, Paul, thanks, now I feel like a grandma. Wonder if Richard Hatch goes through this…
The Survivor guy?
Jane glares at him.
Joke. Joke. I’m just kidding.
RICHARD HATCH then ENTERS, coming up from behind Jane. (SUPER: RICHARD HATCH, ‘TOM ZAREK’)
Well, hello there!
Hey! They put you back in a Viper yet?
Nah, they like me better as a scheming politician-slash-terrorist. You?
Hell no. Wanna get drunk?
The two leave, leaving Paul to just look at the camera and shrug.
They were both on the old… oh, never mind. Wait up!
Paul then heads off after them.
TORI AMOS walks through the clothing racks. (SUPER: TORI AMOS, ‘CORBETT GLYPH/NUMBER TWELVE’)
So what they neglected to tell me is that I was gonna have to pour myself into a Moirae/Number Six hoochie dress for part of my big comeback. Not that Tricia’s a hoochie by any means. But I mean, look at this.
Tori pulls out the dress she wore for the ‘Draco rescue’ scenes. One of the non-bloodsoaked ones.
I’ve seen hankies with more fabric.
TRICIA HELFER walks over. (SUPER: TRICIA HELFER, ‘MOIRAE EVANGELOS/NUMBER SIX’)
Welcome to my world, babe.
Hey. How do you walk around in this without… broadcasting the gospel all over the place?
(looks the dress over)
…yoga helps. So does double-sided tape.
The Battlestar Pacifica icon FADES IN once again.
Battlestar Pacifica, Saturdays at 11pm/10pm Central on Sci Fi.
The Battlestar Pacifica logo FADES IN, with a SUPER fading in overlaid: ‘THE STREETS OF NYSA.’
EXT. ‘ NYSA BACKLOT
KATE BECKINSALE is strolling down one of the wrecked streets, wearing a winter coat over her in-character wardrobe. (SUPER: KATE BECKINSALE, ‘LT. MAURA ‘ARROW’ WESTREN’)
So here we are in lovely downtown Nysa. If, of course, ‘lovely’ translates into blasted to complete shit. This is, I’m told, where me-as-Maura are to have our big throwdown with the Cylons. Most of which are going to look like that…
She points to a series of six-foot poles with signs on the top that say ‘CYLON.’
Of course, those poles will be replaced with computer magic into the fearsome death-droids you all know and love. Me? I’m just glad it’s not another bloody werewolf.
INT. ‘ FARADAY’S OFFICE
FARADAY sits at the big desk, feet propped up. (SUPER: FARADAY, EXECUTIVE PRODUCER)
When we’d decided to actually bring our characters onto one of the colonies, the first thought we had was how could we make it look right? What would make it look like a civilized planet that just got overrun by homicidal robots?
The solution, um, it came during a dungeon raid on World of Warcraft… the set designer from Lord of War, that Nicolas Cage movie? He’s in my guild and we decided, what the hell, we’ll duel. If I won, I got one of his old backlots… if he won, I would walk an autographed picture of Eddie Olmos over to his house in a bikini and clown shoes. And, well. Look where we’re shooting.
Got some epic-level gauntlets out of the deal too.
EXT. SAGITTARON FOREST BACKLOT ‘ RAPTOR CRASH SITE
GEORGE EADS leans against the crashed Raptor, wearing a sock cap and a winter coat over his BDUs. (SUPER: GEORGE EADS, ‘LT. EDWARD T. LIMMER’)
So we kinda drop into the story ‘round here, me and the other Pacifica leathernecks… and we meet up with the resistance fighters ‘round here too. Poor ol’ Raptor looks like it took a wrong turn in south central L.A.
Cylons got chop-shops, y’know. See where somethin’ oughta be attached there? S’gonna be on a ‘76 Camaro in about a week.
EXT. NYSA BACKLOT ‘ ROOFTOP
TORI AMOS leans against the roof ledge in her Cylon hoochie dress and a parka. (SUPER: TORI AMOS, ‘CORBETT GLYPH/NUMBER TWELVE’)
Vancouver, the month of October, and miniskirts. Not a recipe for comfort, believe me.
There’s apparently gonna be about forty of me walking around in addition to the ‘original’ me. Tricky editing, Photoshop, don’t know how they’re gonna do it. And since I’m still Sniper Bitch Queen, I’m gonna be on a lot of roofs.
A prop guy hands Tori a sniper rifle.
Ah, there’s my baby. Wish I could could be Sniper Bitch Queen with Pants… kerosene heater maybe..?
(looks longingly to the crew)
Where’s the love, guys?
EXT. NYSA BACKLOT
CAMERON BRIGHT sits on a sidewalk, in a winter coat, shivering. (SUPER: CAMERON BRIGHT, ‘MAX TIREAS’)
It’s cold. It’s very, very cold. The crew helps out, keeps me busy, keeps my mind off the cold…
Still. Very cold.
EXT. A MALL IN VANCOUVER
TEMUERA MORRISON is leaned against the wrecked storefront, prop rifle slung over his shoulder. (SUPER: TEMUERA MORRISON, ‘F. SGT. ZEKI AIMA’)
Obviously, building a mall was gonna be a problem, so the producers told me that they had beg and plead and offer all sorts of favors to this mall here in downtown Vancouver to basically…
(waves a hand over the wreckage)
…make it look all f***ed up by the Cylons for a day or two of shooting. They were fortunate enough to be able to do it in a way so it wouldn’t have to close.
I think the last thing they wanted was for ‘Battlestar Pacifica’ to take the blame for keeping people from their weekend trip to Banana Republic.
EXT. NYSA BACKLOT - KATE’S AREA
Yeah, we’re shooting part of this on the lot and part of it at the mall downtown and TV magic’s gonna make it all stick together.
Kate’s cellphone rings, prompting her to pull it out of her coat and glance at the display screen.
One sec, s’the husband.
Hey, love. Yeah, we’re just out here wrapping on the lot… hmm?
(look of discomfort)
‘Underworld 3’ got a green light?
(holds phone to chest, silently mouths ‘no no f* f* f* no f* no f* f*’, puts phone back to ear)
Oh, that’s great! Can’t wait to see the script.
Yeah, can’t wait to get back into the corset and wetsuit again either. Love you. ‘Bye.
Kate folds the phone shut, pockets it, and sighs.
Well, you heard it here first. ‘Underworld 3.’
Things we do for love.
INT. SOUNDSTAGE ‘ VIPER GREENSCREEN
SARA RAMIREZ stands near the Viper mockup. (SUPER: SARA RAMIREZ, “LT. NEMESIS ‘WICKED’ NIKOS”)
Feel sorta bad for everybody who’s gotta shoot out on the lot today. I mean, our characters are gonna be in the same scenes, but it’s all being shot in here where we got heaters and coffee and stuff. Thought about asking wardrobe to send out a bunch of our flight suits to ‘em. ‘Cause this is insulated vinyl, it don’t breathe. Murder in the f***in’ summer, lemme tell ya.
EXT. NYSA BACKLOT ‘ CHANCELLOR BUILDING
ALAN TUDYK and TRICIA HELFER are seated on the steps of the Chancellor building. (SUPER: ALAN TUDYK, ‘G. SGT. DRACO PRIAM’) (SUPER: TRICIA HELFER, ‘MOIRAE EVANGELOS/NUMBER SIX’)
I’m just glad to be indoors for at least part of the Sagittaron shoot. Even if I’m going to have the unholy shit tortured out of me.
Well yeah, and the lap dance…
Right, right, because all torture should begin with a lap dance. When we go on hiatus, I’m lobbying to have that added to the Geneva Convention.
I’d think, yeah, it’d make the torture worse. Get straddled by a hot blonde just before the thumbscrews…
Your mouth, God’s ears.
The Battlestar Pacifica logo fades back in.
Battlestar Pacifica, Saturday nights at 11 p.m./10.p.m. Central, only on Sci Fi.